In fact, so lost that I wanted to make "Lost" my user name, but decided against it. Seeker sounds more optimistic. What am I seeking? Answers to painful questions
Am I a Muslim?
Can one not believe in the some of the core beliefs of Islam and still be a muslim?
If there is no God, then what is the meaning and purpose of life?
My story(long read, so I appreciate your patience if you read it all)
- grew up in your typical conservative South Asian Muslim household. Memorized a good portion of the Quran; learned Arabic as an adult and speak/understand it better than most Arabs I've met.
- was genuinely religious growing up, and by genuinely, I mean I had zero doubts and accepted everything about Islam including the controversial parts. Was happy. Was spiritual, and by that, I mean, I found spiritual elevation and fulfillment in Islam and practicing it to the best of my abilities.
Currently I
- don't pray..... haven't prayed regularly for most of the past 8 years.
- don't fast..... haven't fasted Ramadan for the past 4 years
- don't pay Zakah
- consistently(at least once a week, if not more) have doubts about Islamic theology, practices, up to and including the veracity of the Quran and the existence of Allah.
- definitely don't believe in: magic, evil eye, jinn, slavery, sainthood, muslims being morally superior to non-muslims, the romantic narrative of the golden age of Islam where everything was perfect.
- don't go to Eid prayers or Friday prayers or Taraweeh prayers......at all.
That said, I still lead a conservative 'muslamic' lifestyle. No drinking, partying, and sowing my wild oats. For example, I just bought a house using a mortgage with a sweet riba rate. Yes, I consider riba to be haram, but riba is also a integral part of modern society and the world we're living in would be impossible without it. So, I rationalize that it's a necessary evil. Cognitive dissonance much?
How did I get to this point? I don't know.......it just.......sorta........happened. Like a corrosive acid eating away at metal, my faith gradually withered away.....or has it? I'm not sure, which is why I'm here. Hoping to find some answers.
Because....even though I don't pray or fast, even though I have doubts about the Quran, Hadiths, and God Himself....even though I find myself laughing and shaking my head at the absurdity, and futility of some 'muslamic' beliefs and practices.....
even with all of that...deep down inside...I consider myself a Muslim. I identify as a Muslim. My eyes(and heart) light up(with admiration and good-will) when I see a fellow Muslim praying namaz in public. On more than one occasion, I would even join them in prayer right there in public, even though I don't pray in private. Same thing when I see a hijabi walking down the street. I feel compelled to rush over and give my salaams. Admiring her devotion and courage in wearing such a visible article of faith.(even tho I wouldn't want my wife to wear one...or would I want her to wear it ? not sure. sometimes i do, sometimes i don't. ) Not only that, but most of the time, when I'm not caught up in (blasphemous) reflection, I feel a deep sense of Emaan, of faith, of spirituality, of the true and timeless nature of the noble message of Islam, of love and devotion to Allah and His Oneness.
...but I still don't pray. It's not that I don't want to, but that I can't do it consistently. God knows how many times I've tried and failed to pray regularly. I've literally stood up to pray, and I wasn't able to. Not because I don't believe, because I do believe, but because...........I can't.
So, like, doubleyoo-tee-eff.....what am I? Muslim? Muslim in name only? Cultural Muslim? Agnostic Muslim?
Yes, I know that, politically speaking, the concept of Muslim Ummah is non-existent and all of the caliphates, emirates, and sultanates were simply ethnic empires who used Islam as a effective tool to gain and wield power ...but that doesn't stop me from grieving and feeling genuine sadness and solidarity with the muslims being massacred in Myanmar. If there were muslims that lived in Mars, I would feel a genuine sense camaradie and solidarity with them as well. I know that many (rich, elite) Arabs oppress and enslave non-Arabs(guest workers, marginalized minorities, etc), but that doesn't stop me from beaming and smiling when I hear someone speaking in Arabic, the language of the Quran. When I read the Quran, I gain a genuine sense of inner peace and satisfaction....it's bliss...sublime bliss.
Notice that I'm using the word genuine alot. It means something I personally believed in and personally feel, as opposed to something I've been told to believe in. There is no indoctrination here. Even as a kid and a teenager, I believed in Islam intellectually, and my parents encouraged rational thought and logical deduction. So, caught up as I am in the maelstrom of doubt & disbelief, I still genuinely feel Muslim....even though I don't pray or fast, and continuously reflect on blasphemous thoughts.
So, again, am I Muslim? Would you, ex-muslims or not, consider me to be a Muslim? I alternate between moments of great spiritually, strong faith in Allah and Islam.....and moments of what can only be described as "I don't believe in this baloney"
And then, I found CEMB.....................and was spellbound. I remember reading Hassan's auto-bio in a single sitting, going over some passages twice and even 3 times. Ditto happymurtad's posts, I could've sworn he was writing about my experiences, doubts, and life events. There was a another member who's nick escapes me who's life story was similarly fascinating, he was of Jamaican heritage but grew up in the UAE, had a crazy authoritarian father.
And so, while I identified greatly with all of these people's stories....I didn't reach the conclusion they reached, that Islam is not for them. Yes, I am floundering in a sea of doubt and (unrelated) depression...some days are pure mental misery and anguish, but......I still believe. I still have faith in Rabul 3alimeen. Or do I? If actions speak louder than words and professions.......am I just lying to myself and to the rest of the world?
All of this confusion came to a sharp point when I inadvertently blurted out to older person that I had not prayed for the past year and he responded: Do you still consider yourself to be Muslim?
That question hit me like a thunderbolt. Of course I consider myself to be a Muslim, being Muslim is the core of my identity, and it means more to me than my manhood, ethnicity, and nationality. but since I'm not doing the basic bare minimum required of every Muslim, do I have the right to call myself one? If I am (sometimes) doubting the Quran, and by extension, God, can I call myself a Muslim?
I don't know. What I do know: I love Allah. I love Islam. I want to be a Muslim. But it seems like my faith has been tested, and it's been found wanting. I'm terrified, scared shitless, about losing my faith.....have I already lost it? I don't know. Has there been a "veil put on my heart"? I don't know. What I do know is that I no longer believe in a fundamentalist interpretation; the Islam I believe in is the Islam of Ra7matan lil 3alimen. An Islam that is flexible, not rigid; progressive, not reactionary; puts human life and humanity above theology and dogma. That's my Islam.
Other things about me:
- Suffer from chronic unrelenting major depression, not sure if it has something to do with my ongoing doubting woes.
- in my early 30's, single, no wife(phew) or kids(double phew).... doubt started in early to mid 20s, but didn't intensify and overwhelm until the past few years.
Thanks for reading. I welcome any and all comments and input, including blunt ones. Nothing better than straight talk.
all.
Topic: Hi, I'm new and I'm lost.