Personal question

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- amy123
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Personal question
OP - April 26, 2012, 07:22 PM

hey guys!
I've had something on my mind for a very long time and I've never really been able to talk about it before..
Here goes... As you all know, most muslim families tend to be close, family is very important. I've always grown up knowing this but as I got older and had my own thoughts and opinions, I could feel myself quickly drifting from my father. My mother and I have never had a good relationship but my father and I were very close when I was a child.
The relationship with my mother is very complex and I don't know how to explain it.
Ok, you know how its stereotypical for asian parents to beat their kids and swear etc. I was always confused about this because I never knew if what I was going through was normal or not. I know British law wouldn't approve of the general way SOME muslim or asian families treat their kids, but if I was back in Pakistan, a lot of terrible things parents do to their kids would be acceptable.
My question is: How was your relationship with your parents as a child? I can't ask my muslim friends because no one likes to say anything bad about their parents so atleast if you type it on here no one knows who you are.
The bad relationship with my mother is something I relate to Islam. I don't know why. I just always connected mum with Islam and sometimes I blame Islam for the way my mum has been with me. Then I wonder if I'm wrong to think this.
Please, if you don't mind talking about it. I'd really like some idea about how other muslim parents are like with their children so I can work out how normal my childhood was. I know its difficult to say what's normal and what's not, but I'd just like some indications.
Thanks for reading
- yeezevee
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Re: Personal question
Reply #1 - April 26, 2012, 07:29 PM

Quote from: amy123 on April 26, 2012, 07:22 PM
..............I just always connected mum with Islam and sometimes I blame Islam for the way my mum has been with me. Then I wonder if I'm wrong to think this.
.......................

No you are not wrong

well sometimes fathers, some times mothers and some times rest of the family .. whole lot of them...

Do not let silence become your legacy.. Question everything
I renounced my faith to become a kafir,
the beloved betrayed me and turned in to a Muslim
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Re: Personal question
Reply #2 - April 26, 2012, 07:54 PM

My parents never hit me. Maybe like, once with a slipper or something.

Actually, no, scratch that. My dad slapped me once cuz I was being really disobedient (I was) and then he felt bad, and my mum hit me a few times, but not really...no hard feelings though.

My dad has whacked my brothers around with a belt though when they were being disrespectful and stuff, cuz they're guys. He doesn't hit his daughters. No hard feelings on that part too, it's just part of growing up.

And my mum follows Islam to the letter, my dad is very knowledgeable about Islam, so.......yeah. :/

Self ban for Ramadan (THAT RHYMES)

Expect me to come back a Muslim. j/k we'll see..
- Azdaha ExMuslim
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Re: Personal question
Reply #3 - April 26, 2012, 09:05 PM

I am 26 yrs old ...and still my mom hit me sometimes..... I love it .....my dad never hit us but my mom is very very strict and she used to hit us very much on poor grades...but I have no issue with that after all she is my mom .......I love her so much

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- neoteric
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Re: Personal question
Reply #4 - April 26, 2012, 09:32 PM

My dad slapped me into unconsciousness once. My mum hit me with belts/sticks about a dozen times during my childhood and was very fond of pinching me. No ill will, but I probably won't be emulating their parenting if I have children.
- sturmgewehr
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Re: Personal question
Reply #5 - April 27, 2012, 12:00 AM

My parents were really benign to me all the time, of course they rebuked and hit me sometimes and even beat me but that would be when I would do something very bad, I was a very troublesome kid during my childhood period, I was also very spoiled since my mom lost 1 or 2 kids before she had me and then when she had me they treated me like a king, the problems started when my brother got born, I became very jealous because they would normally be more attentive to him since he was a little indigent baby, I would throw stuff at my brother, stuff like cups, toys or shit like that and my mom told me that once I almost blinded him with a toy, once I also tried to suffocate him with a pillow and I was always telling my parents that as soon as they leave the room I will grab him by his leg and throw him out of the window, well these were the cases or occasions when my parents would beat me or hit me, they would also beat me cuz I was a fucked up psychopath, I used to stone my neighbors cats and dogs, I killed 2 cats and a dog like that, I also stabbed 3 chickens from my neighbors farm to death and that was one of those times when they beat me, I did a lot of bad shit they never knew about but usually they would beat me for these ilk of behavior and actions, also my mom would slap me around from time to time cuz I was an obstinate douche-bag in Primary school, I would never write my homework unless I was forced to do so.

I don't blame my parents for hitting me in these occasions, I think I should thank them, if they didn't force me to study and discipline me I would probably be a drug dealer or a violent criminal by now.

They never beat my brother though, he was a good kid, always behaving and never doing any nasty kind of shit, I was the hard one to deal with and hitting me was their last options.

Personally I know many friends of mine that have very close relationships with their parents, they even talk with them about their GFs or BFs or stuff like that, I consider that a very close relationship, if I rate the relationship of people who talk about their BFs and GFs with their parents as 10 then my relationship with my parents is a 6 or 7, I would say more of a 7.
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Re: Personal question
Reply #6 - April 27, 2012, 04:03 AM

I got hit a few times and couple could be considered borderline abuse. But no hard feelings. It's the verbal abuse that still gets to me. Welcome by the way.
- amy123
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Re: Personal question
Reply #7 - May 07, 2012, 03:25 PM

Thank for replying
I see where you guys are coming from, I have a slightly better idea now.
The thing with me is that I wasn't a bad kid. If I did something bad like start a fight with someone, I get a telling off, which is fine, but it's the other things that I didn't understand. Mum would go mental at little things like if I broke something accidentally. Once she beat me up because We both needed the toilet and I wanted to go first. She tell me to die and that I'm going to hell and she shouldn't have given birth to me, I was a mistake etc etc. it was like she hated me. She never let me do anything with my friends unless I invited them to the house. She said I was slaggy because I like listening to music. My neighbour called my pretty once and when she left ,mum said that I wasn't at all pretty. She'd purposely say things to annoy me infront of dad so if I got angry mum would say, look this is why she's like.
My dad took me out once when I was 5 and it was lots of fun and when I told mum she got really angry and said to my dad, you should me taking me out, I'm your wife not her!
She beat me up when i was 10 once because my dad took me to the wron opticians and I should have told him where the right one was. That confused me. The list of things she's done is endless. Just wanted to know if I'm wrong for not having a good relationship with her.
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Re: Personal question
Reply #8 - May 07, 2012, 04:52 PM

My mum used to hit me too, but it was because I misbehaved. I don't think it's natural for parents to unnecessarily - as in your case - to physically assault you for no apparent reason. Perhaps your mum has some underlying mental issues that needs addressing.

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- scamper_22
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Re: Personal question
Reply #9 - May 07, 2012, 06:09 PM

I never had the typical Asian beating parents. I'd say probably less than ten.

But I was fearful of my parents for most of my life. I thought about just moving away and not dealing with them much for a very long time. Until I started being more upfront about my choices in life.
I could that since I was financially independent quite young.

My relationship with my parents is much better now. I don't fear them. Islam isn't a barrier much. I was pretty surprised how accepting they were. I've told them I'm pretty agnostic about everything.

If anything, I think my parents in their old age really try hard to keep a good relationship with me... I think realizing that having that good relationship is better than worrying about islam or keeping the community happy. The threat of losing their children I think puts things in perspective. They need you as much as you need them.

I try not to offend them. I never eat non-halal in front of them, but they know I don't eat halal. I don't start pointless islamic conversations with relatives... It keeps the peace.
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