A stoned tafsir, by dr sloth:
This is what happened to me:
Surah 1 In the name of allah the really fucking cool. We worship you. show us the way.
Surah2 This is a book of guidance for believers. Believers are really cool. Nonbelievers wont believe whether or not you warn them. Allah has set a seal on their hearts, and they are pretty much fucked. People who only pretend to believe in Allah are also fucked.. Worship allah, who invented the universe etc. But if you don’t believe this book, then see if you can make a verse as brilliant as these. When you fail, you should be afraid of hell, because you are screwed. Allah doesn’t mind using analogies that may sound stupid. Allah created you, and everything else, and he knows everything. Allah said he was going to make adam as a deputy on earth. But the angels thought that was a bad idea. Allah taught adam the names of stuff on earth. The angels didn’t know the names of this stuff, and so they realized that allah knew what he was doing, and they bowed down to adam. One of them didn’t bow because he rejects faith. Allah warned adam of the tree in the garden of eden, but satan screwed things up for adam and eve, and they had to live on earth instead of the garden of eden. Allah will give you guidance but if you reject it, you are screwed. Believe this, be scared, and worship allah. Yo jews. Remember that you were my chosen people. And I sorted you out. Don’t deny me, worship me. You fucked up quite a few times. I forgave you but you were pretty unappreciative and spoilt. When I asked you to sacrifice a cow, you were fannying around because you didn’t know which type of cow to sacrifice.
When you killed someone, you accused each other. I said, hit the dead guy with a piece of cow. That’s how I bring people back to life, and show you a miracle. But you were stubborn, and I wont forget it.
Given that jews knowingly corrupt the quran, can you really expect them to believe you. They pretend to believe when they are with muslims, but get pissed off with each other for chatting to muslims about what I have revealed to them, because it could be used against them. Some people make fake holy books. They are screwed. But the righteous believers will be in paradise You Jews broke my covenant, and are screwed. I know about all the shit you get up to. What was your beef with jesus? You know this book is the truth, why deny it? You are screwed.
“The disbelievers will suffer a humiliating torment.” They say they don’t believe this book, but I don’t see why, because it confirms my earlier work. They are such dickheads, greedy too. I might change my mind and contradict myself, but just roll with it. Just go with whatever I am currently saying Muslims are cool. Allah is cool. He is too cool to have a son. He is seriously cool, honestly. Idiots wonder why I havnt provided any evidence, but I have. It’s very clear. Anyone who doesn’t believe this book is certainly a loser.
Use Mecca as a place for prayer. Abraham asked me to provide for the believers in Mecca. I said I would, but I’m going to fuck over the deniers. By the way, Abraham is cool. He is a muslim, not a jew or a Christian. If you don’t believe that, ask yourself who knows more. Me or you? Muslims and muhammed are an example for everyone to follow. You should face mecca when you pray. I know that I have changed the direction from Jerusalem to mecca, but it is a test.
People who die for my cause are not really dead. They are cool. I shall test you through suffering, you better not moan too much.
Atheists will be condemned by me, the angels, and all people. They “will have no relief from the torment, and no attention will be paid to them”. If you are not too stupid, you will realise that rain, winds, clouds, etc are all evidence of my existence. Unbelievers are really dumb.
There is lots of shit you should not eat, but I wont mind if its an emergency. Unbelievers will burn etc. Fasting is mandatory during Ramadan, but you are allowed to Shag your wives. Don’t enter a house through the back door. Fight in my name, the people who fight you. Kill them wherever you find them. Being a disbeliever is worse than murder. Disbelievers deserve to be slayed, unless they convert to Islam. Fight them until they are no longer atheists and non muslims. Fight them until Islam is dominant. Chill out if they convert.
Do a pilgrimage to Mecca.
Even though you don’t like fighting, it is mandatory, and its good for you. I don’t care what good an apostate has done in his life. He is fucked, forever. A womans period is a pollution. Don’t go near them. Your wives are your property. You can shag them whenever you want. Men are above women. ….rules about how long to wait after divorce, breastfeeding, marriage, prayers, loans…. Allah is cool. Muhammed is cool. Jesus is cool. Allah is cool Nobody can ever learn anything unless I let them. Allah is cool. Interest sucks, so does alcohol. Allah is brilliant, and mega powerful.
Surah 3 Allah is brilliant and unique and sent down The quran which confirms previous messages. It is a guide and a criterion for right and wrong. Non believers are fucked. Allah is really clever and knows everything and created mankind.
The main parts of the quran have a clear meaning, but other parts are shit, and nobody can understand them. Dickheads will follow the shit parts. Non muslims are definately fucked. Tell them they are fucked
Its better to aim to be close to Allah than for worldy possessions. Try to convince christians and jews to become muslims. Some will refuse because they think they are safe. but in fact, they are fucked. Don't choose a non muslim as a friend over a muslim. Allah is nice to those who submit.
Some woman dedicated her kid called mary to Allah, and Allah liked this, and made sure that mary and her offspring had it sorted. Some old guy noticed that Allah had sorted her out, and asked allah for him and his old and infertile wife to have a kid. Allah said yes, and explained that he can sort it out. Allah chose Mary to give birth to a messenger for the jews called jesus. Mary was confused because she was a virgin, but allah said he can sort it out.
Jesus could do miracles to prove that he was a prophet. But still some people werent convinced, and these people plotted and planned. But allah is better at plotting and planning and told jesus that he would defend him from all the bullshit the plotters chat. Non muslims are fucked, muslims get rewarded.
Dont doubt the quran. If anyone disagrees with this, get your crew together and pray for a curse on this person. There is only one god, and he is definately really great, and that is true.
Ask the christians and the jews why they doubt my story about abraham being a muslim. They dont know what they are talking about. They shouldnt talk about things they have no idea about. christians and jews are shit for many different reasons. If you have this book, and you understand it properly, you will definately be a muslim, and call others to be. Angels and prophets cannot be gods, only the morons believe that.
Once you submit to allah, allah gives you belief, and so its not possible to no longer believe in Islam. Anybody who leaves Islam is a "perverted transgressor". All things obey allah, whether willingly or unwillingly. Islam is the only acceptable religion. non muslims are going to hell. If you leave islam and then come back, that will probably be OK, but if you dont, you are FUCKED!
you have to make some sacrifices. Jews made up their own dietary laws. The message I gave them was true. If they make stuff up that I didnt say, they are lying.
The first mosque was at Mecca, and you have to go there, unless you cant afford to. the christians and jews are trying to obstruct people from the right path, and if you listen to them you might leave islam, which doesnt make sense. Definately be a muslim. Muslims are cool.
Allah's signs are clear. dont dispute them and become divided. If you do, you are fucked.
On judgement day, non muslims will have black faces, and are fucked. This is not unjust because Allah is brilliant and he says so. Muslims are the best. Most Christians and Jews are twats. They are annoying, but they cant hurt you. Allah is angry with these destitute, and shameful rebels. But some of them are alright.
Non muslims are fucked, and they only have themselves to blame. Stick to your own. Other people want to fuck you up. They may say that they believe in islam, but they are bullshitting. Don't trust these cunts.
Allah helped you win some battles because you were shit and needed a lot of help. Show some gratitude.
Allah owns everything, and he does whatever the fuck he likes. He is most forgiving and merciful. Non muslims are fucked. Heaven is a garden with rivers, as big as the universe in which you can live forever. Its very nice. But only Allah can forgive sins and this book is a guide to get you there.
If you get harmed, makes sure the others get harmed too. These things are tests for believers, and Allah may take some people as martyr witnesses. Allah tests those who fight in his name and who wished for death.
muhammed is just one of a long line of messengers. Allah rewards people who serve Muhammed. Submitters will be rewarded in this life and the next. Many prophets faught for Allah, and they didnt mind even if they failed, and they never gave up. Allah rewarded them with some really cool stuff. Allah helps and protects muslims from the unbelievers. "Soon shall We cast terror into the hearts of the unbelievers" because they joined partners with Allah. They are fucked.
Allah gave you permission to annihilate your enemy, but you started messing around, thinking about the booty. Some of you are more interested in this world than the next. But He forgave you because you are muslims.
Dont be like the unbelievers, who are cowards. If allah has decreed that you are going to die, then you are going to die, whether you fight or not. It is better to be dead and forgiven, than alive and unforgiven. Trust in Allah. If it is his will, you will always win. Don't think of those who die in my name as dead. Dont fear anything except me. Non muslims are fucked. Be a Muslim.
Allah has given clear signs. people who reject them are fucked. muslims are rewarded. blah blah blah. non muslims are fucked. hell. Heaven. hell. heaven. yadda yadda. Fear Allah
I did the next chapter too later on, but I think the quran goes significantly downhill after the first few surahs, and they were tedious enough already.
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