Muslim-no-more
OP - June 18, 2010, 07:22 AM
Hi people !
I am glad to find so many like minded people.
Pardon me as I am not very fluent in English.
I am an 18 yr old teen and was born in a very orthodox and religious family in a remote and backward town in India. When I was an infant we moved to a middle-eastern country where we lived for another 16yrs. I was educated in an Indian school in Gulf and was also enrolled in a local Pakistani Madrasah for Hifz, I was particularly bright with Quran and completed Hifz in 7 months,by that time I was 12 and extremely religious and fanatic, I hated all non-Muslims and would have readily gone to Jihad if given the resources. I believed that Islam was the true Religion and always argued wth my non Muslim classmates. I was so attached to Islam and Allah that time that I could not imagine how a sane and sound person could turn away from Islam! By class 8 I started to have some doubts about authenticity of Islam as I could not make sense of many things ( the 70+ hoors in Paradise, the Hijab, the Hadith that says Sun sets in a lake of Murky water, Miracles and many more ), but I shrugged them off as "Whisperings of Satan" and prayed to Allah to forgive me for doubting His religion. But what really shook the foundations of my faith were a series of incidents in my family ( I dont feel like going in details ), simply put, we had a time of extreme hardship ( economic,family disputes,elder siblings education etc... ) We started praying to Allah to make our times good, I started praying all the extra prayers, indulged myself in Zikr till my friends started teasing me Mulla. But then the day came when all my hopes were shattered, I felt neglected by God, I felt all my prayers, pleas, were gone in vain. This wasnt what actually made me a Murtad, but thats what gave me courage to analyze Islam with an open mind, I realized we coud have made better decisions if we had thought rationally and had not depend solely on prayers. I learnt from that day onwards to evaluate everything by rationale and not by emotions. I took up an Urdu translation of Bukhari and started studying it, the more I read, the more I found my belief dwingling... I found many ahadeeth to be inhumane, unscientific and weird. By that time I had developed a taste in Music, but I was strictly warned against listening to it as it was Haram ! I just couldnt make sense of it , just why was Music Haram? and why only the Duf, the instrument used by people of Medinah when they welcomed Prophet Muhammed, allowed and many questions on similar lines.
The more I thought about Religion, the more I drifted away from it. I thought perhaps Islam was not to be taken literally, but that too, I realized later, was wrong, Islam demands full submission of thought and action. I began to think about why Allah needs to be praised? I am particularly insterested in Cosmology and couldnt understand why a God so great, who made this Universe, would want us Humans ( who are infinitely insignificant compared to this gigantic Universe ) to worship him? I also couldnt understand how an Allah "Most Merciful" would throw people in eternal hellfire for just not accepting him as God. I was also disturbed by the Muhammed cartoons controversy and terrorism events around the Globe and why everytime it were "practicing Muslims" who were the culprits, first I tried to blame it all on the Jewish concpiracy , but then that too was easily proved wrong. One thing after other kept reducing my faith untill I started reading criticism of Islam on internet, but then again I was disturbed as I saw many of them who were only full of hatred towards Islam and many others who quoted Quran and Ahadeeth out of context just to prove their statements.By this time I no longer prayed, I would just wander here and there in town at times of prayer or perform salah only mechanically.
The final blow to my Imaan came from Mr Hassan's blog ( Abooali.wordpress.com ). I liked his writings so much that I have saved all his 12 articles in a secret folder in my PC. I now no longer consider myself Muslim , but havent revealed this fact to anyone, nor can I reveal it even to my close friends.
I have a twin-sister who is particularly close to me and we share each others secrets. I tried telling her and told her that I was now a Murtad , and please keep it secret otherwise parents would kill me. But to my horror, she brokedown crying and started swearing at me and told me that I should be killed because Islam commands it !!! I was completely heartbroken but I managed somehow to handle the situation by telling her I was only playing a practical joke and convinced her that I was a true Muslim by being extra-Pious infront of her from then onwards.
I am now living life as a Hippocrite, I perform all prayers and rituals mechanically...I have decided not to come out infront of my parents right now as they already have many other problems and issues to worry about. It saddens me when I see fanatics around me, It saddens me when I see intelligent people and what religion does to their mind, It saddens me how it is always/mostly religion that is the cause of conflicts and disputes ( at least in India ). I feel really awkward among my friends as all of them are religious .
Right now I am an Agnostic, though I am more inclined to the possibility of a God... A God different from Allah,Ishwar,Yahweh...A God who doesnt give a damn if humans praise him or not.
That my story ! Once again, I apologize for the grammatical inaccuracies in my post(s)
I am intelligently designed by God, and I originated from a woman made from rib who ate an apple because of a snake in paradise...
Topic: Muslim-no-more